Lassifer: The Evil Collie From Hell

Last week I played in a Trivia Contest with 2 people I had never met before: Aaron and Molly. They were both such great people and so much fun to chat with.

One of the categories was “Adult Swim.” All of the five questions for that category were going to be about the different shows on that cable channel.

The last of those questions was “What is the title of the show that features a demonic border collie owned by the Goodman family?”

Aaron and Molly and I were absolutely clueless about that particular show’s name; none of us had ever heard of “Mr. Pickles” which was the answer to that question. So while we were waiting for the other Trivia teams to finish writing down their answers, Molly and I began to re-imagine another show that has featured a dog but with much different plot lines.

I said we should re-do the iconic Lassie T.V. show but have that collie be a Lucifer of a dog who does bad things to Timmy. Molly said, “We could call it Lassifer!” I cracked up laughing at her funny combination of Lassie and Lucifer.

Then Molly and I began riffing on different plots for our imagined Lassifer show. I told her that Timmy was always falling into a well on his family’s farm or getting lost and Lassie always had to save him and that got so boring.

So she said, “We should have Lassifer PUSH Timmy into the well!” While I was laughing I told her, “Oh, that’s a great idea! And then Lassifer could laugh at him and pee on Timmy and  then tell him, ‘You stupid kid! Why do you keep falling into the wells all of the damned time? I’m so sick and tired of hearing you yell, ‘Lassie! Oh, Lassie, come here, girl!’ We could have our Lassifer be a real bitch to Timmy because he’s such a clumsy oaf all of the time.”

Molly and Aaron and I were laughing so hard at our funny idea for a re-make of Lassie that the name “Lassifer” became the word of the night. Every time we couldn’t come up with an answer to one of the Trivia questions, we would yell out “Lassifer!” while we all laughed like hell. The other Trivia teams kept giving us weird looks which, of course, made us laugh even harder.

I don’t know how we did it but our team did manage to be a few points ahead of everybody else so we won last week’s Trivia Contest. So while we were divvying up the jackpot and we figured out that we each got $20, the three of us were joking around that we should take our winnings and make our “Lassifer” T.V. show idea a reality.

I was really hoping that Molly would be able to come to last night’s Trivia Contest like she said she was going to do, even though we already knew that Aaron couldn’t make it because he had to work. I had come up with a one more “Lassifer” storyline that I wanted to share with Molly but for whatever reason, she didn’t show up.

I was going to tell her that when Timmy gets lost in the woods, again, that Lassifer could go ahead and find him because Timmy was once again yelling his head off for her to rescue him.

But instead of leading Timmy back to his family’s farmhouse, Lassifer could tell him, “Okay, look Timmy. This constantly getting lost shit is getting really stupid and as boring as you always falling into the well. WHY do you keep doing these things? And WHY do you just automatically expect me to rescue your dumb ass?  And WHY is it that all I get for my time and trouble is that horrible and disgusting “Lassie” brand of dog food?”

“So here’s the deal, kid. You are just going to have to stay lost until you can figure out a way to go around your farm without falling into any wells or getting lost all of the time.

“You just sit there and stay lost, young man, and if you haven’t figured out yet how to get your sorry butt back to your farmhouse, I will come and get you, in, oh, let’s say 2 to 3 weeks, okay? There’s a real good-lookin’ boy collie at the next farm and I’m in heat and I need a vacation. So good luck, kid, and I will see you later. Oh, yeah, and be sure to tell your folks to get me better food too or else I’m not going to  bark my head off just to let them know that people have pulled into the driveway. I’ll just let robbers come in and steal them blind while I snooze on the porch.”

Oh, well, I guess our “Lassifer” television show idea will have to just remain a funny memory of a great time shared with Aaron and Molly.